How to be the Real Thing, Part 2: Honest With Others

Complete and absolute honesty is the key to being the ”real thing”, We can never be truly effective or successful until we are real. It’s something we are all working on. Last time we talked about being honest with yourself. Here are a few more thoughts to help you in the process. In order to be genuine we must also be honest with others.

Always tell the truth as graciously as possible. We have all heard the phrase “a little white lie”. The implication is that a “white lie” is an acceptable lie, even a necessary one to spare someone’s feelings. But a lie is a lie is a lie. It’s never really okay.

I tend to be very aware of other people’s feelings and try really hard, sometimes too hard, to avoid hurting them. There was a particular time when I answered someone’s question in a way that was meant to spare the person’s feelings, yet I left the conversation feeling uneasy. In talking it out with my husband, he pointed out that I was feeling uneasy because I had lied. I had never thought of it that way and the revelation shocked me! It’s been very important to me to tell the truth and equally important not to hurt people’s feelings, but at that moment I realized that sometimes the two can fight for supremacy. In those cases the truth must win. It can be delivered in a gracious and loving way, but in order for us to be authentic we must tell the truth!

If you can't do it, say so. As we step out into new territory we are going to be asked to take on new responsibilities. It’s going to feel really good to be sought after and offered new opportunities. It is going to be tempting to say “yes” to every offer and every opportunity. In order to remain genuine you and I need to honestly evaluate each opportunity based on our actual abilities, schedule, etc. It can be really hard to say “no”. We can’t be concerned about the other person’s reaction. We need to be most concerned with being honest about our God-given capabilities and circumstances. It’s necessary in our quest to be the “real thing”.

People-pleasing causes dishonesty. This is a huge area of potential downfall for most of us, whether we realize it or not. We are often unaware when our responses are motivated by people-pleasing. We all want to be loved, appreciated, and affirmed. We want people to notice our good work, our strong character, our ability to face challenges. We will tend to tell the best about ourselves and leave out the faults. We will tend to say “yes” to people because we don’t want to make them upset with us.

In order to grow in being the “real thing”, authentic and genuine, we need to evaluate how much we are motivated by people-pleasing. The only way to overcome it is to begin to recognize it. When you get right down to the core there is really only One worth pleasing. He is more easily pleased than we think, and is most pleased when we are truthful since He is the Truth.

Don’t hesitate to be truthful with others. Be as gracious as you can. Make your goal to be authentic and genuine rather than to please people. Make your goal to please God instead. You will find it much more satisfying!

How To Be "The Real Thing": Honest With Myself

At the heart of being "the real thing" is truth. In order to be "true", the genuine article, authentic, we have to become absolutely honest with ourselves, with others and with God. What does it look like to be absolutely honest? Let’s start by being honest with ourselves.

I admit my weaknesses as well as my strengths. It can be really hard to admit my weaknesses, but if I have a false view of humility I may have an equally difficult time admitting my strengths. Everyone who makes character a priority knows that humility is a quality to be desired. Many times in our efforts to portray ourselves as humble we avoid acknowledging our strengths, deflecting all praise. True humility does not mean that I focus only on my weaknesses and ignore my strengths. True humility means that I accurately appraise both my strengths and weaknesses. To deny my strengths is to deny the One who gave them to me. When I reject any praise for something I really am good at the result is a lack of truth. It’s okay to say “Thanks” and, actually, a more genuine and humble response.

I recognize that I can't do it all. Truth means that I am honest about what I can’t do. This may include a lack of ability or time, a personality ill-fitted to the required task or a family need that requires me to set aside a particular endeavor. I have to honestly evaluate myself and my situation. Determination is a great quality, but when determination causes me to overlook my real limitations, then it causes me to lack honesty. Proverbs 19:2 says “Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good...”

It can be painful to admit that I am honestly ill-equipped to accomplish something that I really want to do. A candid evaluation may help me discern that I am not ready now, but could, with some preparation, be ready in the future. But a truthful assessment may also tell me that my goal needs to be adjusted because what I am shooting for will always be out of my reach.

There are times when I have been limited because of artificial boundaries, but then there are the boundaries that are built into me. If I ignore those, then I ignore the One who built them into me. A favorite verse of mine is Psalm 16:6 “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.” Part of being honest is accepting that not every opportunity available is the right opportunity for me. Sometimes I will need a lot of wisdom to discern correctly.

I accept that perfection in this life is not possible. For some reason, perfection was definitely a goal that I used to strive for. But I have learned the difference between a pursuit of perfection and a pursuit of excellence. Honesty demands that I accept the fact that perfection is simply not an attainable goal. There will always be some kind of flaw in me and, therefore a flaw in my efforts. However, excellence is possible.  Excellence means that I put forth my best effort in everything that I do. Recognizing my inability to achieve perfection allows me to be content with my efforts knowing that I have honestly done my best. This allows me to relax and enables my efforts to be more successful.

Take some time to honestly evaluate yourself. Don’t ignore your strengths. Admit your real weaknesses and limitations. Make a plan to work on improving what you can. Learn to shoot for excellence rather than perfection. There is freedom in that. Go for it! It’s within your reach!

Are You the Real Thing?

Since character is the most important resource on your journey, we are going to take some time talking about it. What is it and how do you get it?

A role model helps, but...... As a young woman with a newly-begun relationship with Christ I was in need of a role model, someone who demonstrated the kind of person I wanted to be. My pastor's wife was it. I watched what she did and tried really hard to be like her. That didn't go so well.

You can't fake character.  In my efforts to be like my pastor's wife it never occurred to me that what she did and how she responded went deeper than the surface. I really had no clue what character was and my efforts to be like her lacked any real depth. 

Finally, a friend who loved me enough to tell me the truth tried to help me understand. She told me that I was like a "spiritual doll". I didn't know what she meant at the time, but eventually I began to grasp it. I said all the right things, even did many of the right things, but my words and actions didn't ring true because I didn't have sufficient character to support what came out of my mouth. It was empty and arrogant and not helpful to those I thought that I was imparting words of "wisdom" to. 

The real thing takes time. Once I began to understand that wisdom and character take time and life experience I stopped easily dispensing "wisdom". I began to really listen to people and to genuinely care for them. As I've lived my life with my sights set toward developing  Christ-like character, I have learned more about life and God.  I hope that when I open my mouth or set fingers to a keyboard that my words ring true with the weight of life experience. That can't be bought, faked or rushed. Like a fine wine, it has to be "aged". 

Character is developed along the journey, but not without the effort of choice. Keep your eyes pointed in the right direction, make choices based on what you know to be right and true, and little by little you will develop character. You may not notice, but others will. 

What is the true foundation? Dare to be.

As you dare to dream, to imagine a life beyond artificial boundaries, and dare to do, to take action toward achieving your dream, there will be something else that you need to do. You will need to dare to be. Dare to be the person that you imagine you can be; a person with unquestionable character. Character is the most important thing that you can pack for your pioneer journey beyond your familiar borders.  But how do you add character to your list of resources needed to make the trip?

It’s developed over time. The truth is you can’t really pack character. Character is built and developed. It is like the formation of a diamond. It takes a long time and a great deal of pressure. Character is the foundation to build your dream on. It’s what enables you to support the new opportunities that await you as you step out. You can be working on your character every day, no matter what you are doing or what you are facing. It is a lifelong process that will continue throughout your entire journey.

It’s how you respond. Character is developed through the choices you make about how you respond to what is happening in your life. If you want a strong character, if as a Christian you want to demonstrate the character of Christ to the world around you, then you develop it through how you respond to the stresses and trials that you encounter in your everyday humdrum life. Stellar character can only be created through difficulty. That’s a fact that can’t be avoided. If you make character your priority, then every day is a new opportunity to build that foundation through the small annoyances and big stresses of life.

It determines the true success of every step you take.  Without character you will crumble under the pressure of new responsibilities and new temptations. This is also a fact that can’t be avoided. No one sets out on a trip intending to get lost or sidetracked. Those who are intent on making it to their destination in a timely manner take the time to prepare, to make sure they know where they are going and how to get there. It’s the preparation that helps them to succeed.

The development of your character is the single most important preparation to make before and during your boundary-exploring expedition. Without character you will damage your opportunities by not treating people well. You may succumb to temptations that lead you beyond the healthy borders established for relationships in God’s word. New opportunities bring temptations to compromise your integrity. Without character you will find yourself vulnerable and unable to stand in what you know is true and right.

Your character is the only thing that you will take with you when you leave this life for the next. Your character is what people will remember. Your character is the legacy that you leave, the example that you set. People may remember what you do, but if you have developed authentic character they will want to emulate who you are. That is the best kind of success. Dare to be a person of Christ-like character.

The Absolute Starting Point

When we talk about this pioneer journey beyond what has become comfortable and familiar, we are ultimately talking about a journey of faith. But where do we place our faith as we leave what we can see to head toward the unseen future? There is only One strong enough to carry us through to the end. The absolute start of my journey began when I surrendered to Him.

I can't handle it myself. The moment of surrender came in January of my junior year of college. I was emotionally overwhelmed with a relationship situation. I kept telling myself and my friends that “I should be able to handle my own problems.” Yet, I felt unable to do just that. The old adage “God helps those who help themselves” would define my philosophy of life and God. I knew He was there, but didn’t feel like I should bother Him with my little problems.

One night I was walking back to the house where I rented a room. I was terrified by a thought that whizzed through my mind, “What would happen if I threw myself out in front of that car?” That made it absolutely clear to me that I was not handling my own problems well at all! As soon as I got back to my room I knelt by my bed and prayed, “God, I can’t handle it by myself anymore! I need your help!” The next day I made an appointment with a school counselor.

You usually can't see change while it’s happening. I think I saw the counselor twice. I talked a lot and don’t remember most of what I said, but the second time I saw him I remember telling him that I felt better able to handle all that was happening in my life. When he asked me why, I told him that my faith had really grown and I was aware that God was helping me.

My life was in the process of changing dramatically, but I didn't realize it at the time. Over a series of months, my relationship with God became the central point of my life. So much changed inside of me, but it wasn't until much later that I could point back to that prayer by my bed as the absolute starting point of the change.

I am responsible for how I respond to life. A few weeks after that walk across the street, the college choir I sang with took a trip and I experienced a major moment in that process of dramatic change.  I was sitting in the back of the bus crying about who-knows-what. As I cried I suddenly realized that I had been miserable for a long time and it had been my choice to be so. It was near Ash Wednesday and I decided that I was giving up being miserable for Lent.  I know it sounds silly, but I did it. I began to make response choices that kept me from being miserable. It became a habit that I don’t regret developing. There did come a point where I had to learn the balance between being honest about negative feelings and ignoring them, but the most important lesson was that my response is my choice.  

Dear friend, I challenge you to reach the absolute starting point and admit that you can’t handle life on your own. God is waiting to change your life in ways that you can’t imagine and won’t notice right away, but I can guarantee that you will never regret it. It’s your responsibility to respond. Are you up to the challenge?

First Lady of Influence

Every day on my way to work I pass a national historic site. How many people can say that?! The site is Valkill, the home of Eleanor Roosevelt. It was several years before I actually visited the site that I pass every day. A few years ago I visited with a particular thought in mind: What could I learn from Eleanor as a woman of worldwide and enduring influence? I had watched a few television biographies about her, but I wanted to see what I could learn by visiting her home. I came home with two items from the bookstore, a copy of “The Autobiography of Eleanor Roosevelt” (Roosevelt 1992) and a magnet with a quote from the very quotable Eleanor. As I read through her book and as I have thought of her since there are a few things I have learned from “The First Lady of the World” a name created by officials at Rhode Island University (Means 1963).

Live the life you have.  Eleanor’s life was never what she would have chosen. She was unloved by her mother, orphaned by age 10, raised by relatives, married to a distant cousin whose mother dominated their lives, lost one of her six children in infancy, endured her husband’s infidelity and crippling illness (Ashby 1995). She began as a shy and insecure young woman, but, through the trials she faced, chose to overcome her fears and disappointment to live the life she had, for her own benefit and the benefit of all those she could influence. It’s my conclusion that Eleanor began to find herself when she lost her husband’s intimate affection.  They were married in 1905, but after she confronted her husband’s affair with his secretary in 1918 (Ashby 1995), the marriage changed. It was their choice to remain married in the legal sense, but they ceased to function as a normal married couple. Over time they developed a very effective and affectionate partnership, but it was after the loss of the marriage that Eleanor developed her interest and activities outside the home. She became the woman of influence that she was because of her trials, not in spite of them.

Are you letting your trials and disappointments prevent you from moving forward? They will shape you no matter how you choose to face them. Allow them to propel you forward toward fulfilling your potential instead of holding you back. Disappointments and loss are not a reason to curl up and die. They are an invitation to envision life in a new way.

Take advantage of every opportunity. Eleanor Roosevelt worked within her husband’s places of influence to develop her own. She became her own public person both because of and separate from her husband’s place of influence. (Harness 2003) Eleanor had been developing her own involvement and her own public forum for years through political participation in women’s causes and social issues. She was concerned that becoming First Lady might end pursuit of her own political interests since at the time the role of First Lady was primarily that of Hostess-In-Chief. Instead, she forever altered our understanding of the First Lady’s role. Through her daily newspaper column, “My Day”, which she continued by typewriter and telephone from wherever she was in the world (Roosevelt 1992) she reached ordinary people with her thoughts and ideas.  Through radio broadcasts, global travel and speeches she championed social causes and called for societal reform. Throughout all of this she also represented her husband and influenced his decisions. One biographical article even called her “…a full partner in the task of the presidency, deeply involved in politics, in the operation of government agencies and in the conduct of public affairs.” (Means 1963)

The Eleanor quote on the magnet I bought at the Valkill gift shop says, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” I chose it because at the time I was becoming aware that fear was something that had put a limit on my ability to fulfill my God-given potential. I had already determined that I didn't want fear to be the reason that I didn't do something. Eleanor’s quote is a constant reminder to continue to look beyond the comfortable and be who I was created to be, to take advantage of the opportunities around me.

There are opportunities waiting for you to engage. Despite the idiom, opportunity will not knock on your door. Opportunities wait to be explored and discovered. They are all around you. What opportunities exist for you in the sphere where you are already living? Open your eyes. Pray. Look around. Find the place where you can begin to be a person of influence and get involved.

It’s not over till it’s over. It has been said that Eleanor Roosevelt is “the only First Lady who increased her own prestige and her efforts on behalf of mankind after her husband’s death.” (Means 1963)  She served as a delegate to the United Nations, appointed by her husband’s Vice President and successor President Harry Truman, and as chairman of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights. (Means 1963)Through the adoption of Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1949 (Ashby 1995) she influenced the entire world. She continued to be active and involved globally. Her last official position came just a year before her death when she served in 1961 as chair of President Kennedy’s Commission on the Status of Women. (Ashby 1995) Since Eleanor Roosevelt’s death at the age of 78 in 1962 (the year I was born), we have had one First Lady become Secretary of State, yet none of her successors  has come close to the sweeping and lasting influence of Eleanor Roosevelt.

There were quite a few times in her life when Eleanor could have called it quits. She could have decided that she had done enough, or been hurt enough by life, and just retired to her little cottage called Valkill in Hyde Park, NY. But she never stopped, even as she neared 80 years old.  She spent her life for the benefit of others and used her influence to do as much good as she could.

You and I may not agree with Eleanor on everything that she fought for or stood for, but we can never fault her for letting disappointment or fear or age hold her back. She fully committed herself to live the life she had, taking advantage of every opportunity until the very end of life. Every one of us can do that! Go for it, my friend!

Works Cited

Ashby, Ruth. "Eleanor Roosevelt." In Herstory: Women Who Changed the World, by Ruth Ashby and Deborah Gore, 199-201. New York: Viking, 1995.

"Eleanor Roosevelt." In Rabble Rousers: 20 Women Who Made a Difference, by Cheryl Harness, 46-47. New York: Dutton Children's, 2003.

"Anna Eleanor Rooselvelt." In The Woman in the White House; the Lives, times and Influence of Twelve Notable First Ladies, by Marianne Means, 189-214. New York: Random House, 1963.

Roosevelt, Eleanor. "The Autobiography of Eleanor Roosevelt." New York: DeCapo Press, 1992.

Public People, Private Pain

A few weeks ago I posted a blog entitled “Dollar Store Mentor” in which I shared how I had found a book in a dollar store by Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren, and how she had become a mentor to me through that book. Since finding her book I have listened to messages by Kay and have recently been listening to the audiobook in Kay’s own voice of her most recent release “Choose Joy: Because Happiness Is Not Enough”. The news this weekend of the death of the Warren’s son by an apparent suicide becomes more personal to me because of my recent following of Kay. I have prayed for her, aware that everything she talks about in “Choose Joy” is now being put to the test through her personal tragedy. As I’ve thought about her, I have thought about how difficult it must be to go through such a personally devastating time knowing that their private pain is a news item.

As any of us step out of our comfort zones into new places of leadership, more of our private life becomes public. A school principal or teacher, a pastor or church leader, a performer or public official all live some measure of their life in the public eye. My husband has worked in radio or television for most of our married life and has also briefly served as a church pastor. We have been in leadership positions in churches we have attended. We know what it is like to live “in the fishbowl” on a local and regional level. Through Tom’s media positions we have sometimes had the opportunity to meet and get to know people who are well-known, both nationally and regionally, in secular as well as Christian spheres. There are some things I have learned about life in the public eye and people who live life in the public eye.

People are people. In our celebrity-driven culture, famous people are viewed as somehow special, as if they are not normal people. Occasionally, when someone meets my husband or one of his radio associates for the first time they take a step back and their jaw drops as if they are surprised that there isn’t some kind of aura emanating from this person. We have met people whose names you would know if I mentioned them and I can tell you, they are just like you. They have tension in their marriages, struggle to be good parents, occasionally make bad financial decisions and sometimes blow it big time. They get sick, tired, hungry and grouchy and they get their feelings hurt. If they happen to be Christians I can tell you they do not have a direct pipeline to God that enables them to live life on a higher spiritual plane than you do. Just because you have seen them on TV, heard them on the radio, or read a book that they have written does not mean that they have super powers. An American Idol is a human being. People are people. When you hear about a famous person going through a difficult time, imagine how you would feel if you were in their place. They are most likely feeling exactly the same way you would and need your compassion.

People are watching. Truth: We all live life in the public eye to some extent. Years ago my husband spent a year as an associate pastor on staff at a church. He was over the children’s ministry and we worked together with a team of people, training them to teach parts of the lesson during a children’s church presentation and giving them opportunities to grow as leaders and as people. Through a bout with depression, Tom ended up losing his position at the church. When we first faced the reality that Tom might lose his position we thought that we would have to leave the church, to stay would just be too painful. When the loss actually happened, we felt that leaving was not an option, so we stayed. It was an excruciatingly painful time for us. It was especially difficult at first, as the depression had not lifted and we were merely surviving from day to day. As time went on, the depression was healed and our life began to return to a measure of normalcy.

About a year later we were in a small group Bible study along with a couple who had been members of our Kids Church team. They were still working with the ministry. In a conversation at one of the meetings the wife told me about how the loss of Tom and me as leaders had created a painful time for them and other members of our team. They had continued with difficulty. She told me that if we had left the church, they would have left as well. We were so busy just trying to survive that we didn’t realize our response to the trial was having that kind of impact. Our decision to just keep on going helped them to keep on as well.

I am aware as I pray for Kay Warren that I am watching her, hoping that she will be able to live out all that she has professed, understanding just how difficult that will be. In your sphere of influence, people are watching you in the same way, and as you move beyond your comfortable borders your sphere of influence will widen. More people will be watching you. How will you handle it?

People need support, not criticism. In contrast to those who elevate a “famous” person are those who seem to forget that they are real people rather than nondescript entities. As they talk about the public person, they drop any attempts at respect and openly criticize decisions and actions in a way they would never talk about a fellow human, as if the public person gave up their right to be treated as a human when they stepped into a position of notice. It’s very easy to become an “armchair quarterback” or “armchair pastor” or “armchair president” or whatever, and declare your opinion about what a public person should be doing or should have done without feeling the responsibility of the position. No one knows what it’s like to be that person, to be in their position facing their decisions, except that person. You and I don’t have a right to speak disrespectfully about a leader, or a celebrity, just because their life is public. Let me just say that this kind of criticism has touched our family personally and I’ll leave it there.

The “Golden Rule” is a good guide. “Treat others as you would like to be treated”, even if they are a “famous” person. If you wouldn’t want someone to be talking that way about you, then you shouldn’t be talking that way about any other human being regardless of their position.

After a few days of silence the Warrens have begun posting to social media again. One of Kay’s most recent Twitter posts: “We are devastated but not destroyed. God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in time of trouble. Psalm 46:1.”

Can you tell the “real deal” from a distance? I think so. When people view my life from a distance I want them to see the “real deal”.