Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Public People, Private Pain

A few weeks ago I posted a blog entitled “Dollar Store Mentor” in which I shared how I had found a book in a dollar store by Kay Warren, wife of Pastor Rick Warren, and how she had become a mentor to me through that book. Since finding her book I have listened to messages by Kay and have recently been listening to the audiobook in Kay’s own voice of her most recent release “Choose Joy: Because Happiness Is Not Enough”. The news this weekend of the death of the Warren’s son by an apparent suicide becomes more personal to me because of my recent following of Kay. I have prayed for her, aware that everything she talks about in “Choose Joy” is now being put to the test through her personal tragedy. As I’ve thought about her, I have thought about how difficult it must be to go through such a personally devastating time knowing that their private pain is a news item.

As any of us step out of our comfort zones into new places of leadership, more of our private life becomes public. A school principal or teacher, a pastor or church leader, a performer or public official all live some measure of their life in the public eye. My husband has worked in radio or television for most of our married life and has also briefly served as a church pastor. We have been in leadership positions in churches we have attended. We know what it is like to live “in the fishbowl” on a local and regional level. Through Tom’s media positions we have sometimes had the opportunity to meet and get to know people who are well-known, both nationally and regionally, in secular as well as Christian spheres. There are some things I have learned about life in the public eye and people who live life in the public eye.

People are people. In our celebrity-driven culture, famous people are viewed as somehow special, as if they are not normal people. Occasionally, when someone meets my husband or one of his radio associates for the first time they take a step back and their jaw drops as if they are surprised that there isn’t some kind of aura emanating from this person. We have met people whose names you would know if I mentioned them and I can tell you, they are just like you. They have tension in their marriages, struggle to be good parents, occasionally make bad financial decisions and sometimes blow it big time. They get sick, tired, hungry and grouchy and they get their feelings hurt. If they happen to be Christians I can tell you they do not have a direct pipeline to God that enables them to live life on a higher spiritual plane than you do. Just because you have seen them on TV, heard them on the radio, or read a book that they have written does not mean that they have super powers. An American Idol is a human being. People are people. When you hear about a famous person going through a difficult time, imagine how you would feel if you were in their place. They are most likely feeling exactly the same way you would and need your compassion.

People are watching. Truth: We all live life in the public eye to some extent. Years ago my husband spent a year as an associate pastor on staff at a church. He was over the children’s ministry and we worked together with a team of people, training them to teach parts of the lesson during a children’s church presentation and giving them opportunities to grow as leaders and as people. Through a bout with depression, Tom ended up losing his position at the church. When we first faced the reality that Tom might lose his position we thought that we would have to leave the church, to stay would just be too painful. When the loss actually happened, we felt that leaving was not an option, so we stayed. It was an excruciatingly painful time for us. It was especially difficult at first, as the depression had not lifted and we were merely surviving from day to day. As time went on, the depression was healed and our life began to return to a measure of normalcy.

About a year later we were in a small group Bible study along with a couple who had been members of our Kids Church team. They were still working with the ministry. In a conversation at one of the meetings the wife told me about how the loss of Tom and me as leaders had created a painful time for them and other members of our team. They had continued with difficulty. She told me that if we had left the church, they would have left as well. We were so busy just trying to survive that we didn’t realize our response to the trial was having that kind of impact. Our decision to just keep on going helped them to keep on as well.

I am aware as I pray for Kay Warren that I am watching her, hoping that she will be able to live out all that she has professed, understanding just how difficult that will be. In your sphere of influence, people are watching you in the same way, and as you move beyond your comfortable borders your sphere of influence will widen. More people will be watching you. How will you handle it?

People need support, not criticism. In contrast to those who elevate a “famous” person are those who seem to forget that they are real people rather than nondescript entities. As they talk about the public person, they drop any attempts at respect and openly criticize decisions and actions in a way they would never talk about a fellow human, as if the public person gave up their right to be treated as a human when they stepped into a position of notice. It’s very easy to become an “armchair quarterback” or “armchair pastor” or “armchair president” or whatever, and declare your opinion about what a public person should be doing or should have done without feeling the responsibility of the position. No one knows what it’s like to be that person, to be in their position facing their decisions, except that person. You and I don’t have a right to speak disrespectfully about a leader, or a celebrity, just because their life is public. Let me just say that this kind of criticism has touched our family personally and I’ll leave it there.

The “Golden Rule” is a good guide. “Treat others as you would like to be treated”, even if they are a “famous” person. If you wouldn’t want someone to be talking that way about you, then you shouldn’t be talking that way about any other human being regardless of their position.

After a few days of silence the Warrens have begun posting to social media again. One of Kay’s most recent Twitter posts: “We are devastated but not destroyed. God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in time of trouble. Psalm 46:1.”

Can you tell the “real deal” from a distance? I think so. When people view my life from a distance I want them to see the “real deal”.

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