Having What You Don't Want or Wanting What You Don't Have

"Having what you don't want or wanting what you don't have." I once heard this offered as a definition of suffering. Sound kind of trite? Does it mean more when I tell you that the woman offering the definition had, at that point in her life, outlived two husbands? The second she lost to cancer. The first had died with four others, a missionary to Ecuador murdered by the very tribe they had come to reach. Her name is Elisabeth Elliot. This was a woman who understood deep suffering and yet offered a definition that was intended to include every person listening. Why would she do that? Her intention was to offer an approach to suffering that every person listening could apply no matter what the degree of their suffering, and because she had lived it, what she had to say would grab the attention of her listeners. She definitely grabbed mine!

At the time, I definitely had what I didn't want and wanted what I didn't have. I was a young mom with two small children and I wanted my own home. Instead, I was living in my parents' downstairs family room, with only one car in our family, while my husband had gone back to school to finish a degree. I was spending long days alone with two small children in a situation that I had very little control over. By Elisabeth Elliot's definition I was suffering and I didn't like it! But, what I learned most through that experience was that the only thing I really have control over in situations of suffering is my response. Elisabeth Elliot's words helped me a great deal.

I remember very clearly listening to her message on cassette tape with a Walkman (remember those?) after my children had gone to bed. Within the first few moments she had shared her definition and she had my attention. I also remember very clearly the two aspects of response that she shared with a group of Christian women. Worship and offering. From a Christian perspective, what I understand that to mean is to first recognize that God is God and is somehow a part of whatever my situation of suffering entails and then giving the situation back to Him in trust that somehow He's going to use it for good, either for me or someone else, usually both. In that response is the acceptance of not being in control and then the willingness to relinquish the control to someone else.

Simple, but not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Yet, as I began to apply that response to my situation I found myself less often unhappy and more able to enjoy life as it was. It has become my overall response to life.

Let's face it, we all often have what we don't want and want what we don't have. When that occurs, not if, the only thing you or I can really do is to admit that Someone else is in control and trust Him to make something good of it. Whatever your degree of suffering at the moment, Dear One, I wish you peace.



If you'd like to learn a bit more about Elisabeth Elliot you can click here to visit her website. She is currently 85 years old and suffering from the health issues that come with advanced age. From what her husband posts, since she is no longer able to do this for herself, it seems clear that she has continued to follow her own advice in her current suffering.

This link will take you to a transcript of Elisabeth's past radio program, Gateway to Joy, where she discussed suffering using this definition.  Defining Suffering