Christmas Losses

I went to the same funeral home two nights in a row to pay respects to two different families this weekend. To say the very least, it has been an extremely difficult week for many, many people in our school community. We lost two very different people on the same day. One was a beloved and dedicated teacher who at last succumbed to ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease. The loss was not unexpected, but devastating, nonetheless. In his teaching career he impacted thousands of students and hundreds of colleagues.The other was a substitute teacher and very involved parent who died suddenly and unexpectedly. She had spent countless hours volunteering and giving of herself for the benefit of the young people in our schools. Many of the same adults and young people stood in long lines two nights in a row to express their condolences to the loved ones of these individuals whose loss will be felt by many in our community.
I have been thinking about these families and how the Christmas season will forever be associated with the loss of their loved one. I have been thinking about the many families whose experience has been similar. Something within us all cries out, "This is wrong! This isn't supposed to happen at Christmas!" We don't say it, but we do feel it, even if we aren't conscious of it. In the back of our minds we have this idyllic image of what the Christmas season is supposed to be like. The literature, movies and music associated with the season serve to cement the unconscious expectation that Christmas is supposed to be perfect. Perfect food, perfect gifts, perfect families. No tears, no disappointments, no losses. There is no room in this image of perfection for the realities we often face. Illnesses, job loss, the death of a loved one. None of these things fit how it's "supposed to be".
So, what do we do? How do we handle reality in the face of such unrealistic, but deeply rooted idealistic expectations? First, I think we have to give ourselves permission to mourn. When we expect things to be perfect we will often try to avoid expressing our negative emotions. Mourning and the Christmas season seem incompatible, but the reality is there are many who are mourning. It is appropriate to mourn when we have lost someone, or something, important and it's just as appropriate at Christmas as any other time.
Second, we need to give ourselves permission to enjoy the holiday. I know that seems contradictory. Often when we've experienced a loss it seems wrong for life to go on. We might feel disloyal to the one we've lost if we feel any joy. Enjoying what we can of the holiday is a testament to the reality that life does go on, and even though we have lost someone or something extremely valuable, the life we are living is just as valuable. We honor their memory by valuing this life that we have and living with hope. Because the truth is that Christmas is about hope.
Hope is really the greatest message of Christmas. Christmas is about God loving the world so much that He gave His son as a gift to all of us. That gift gives us reason to hope. Christmas reminds us that we are not alone. We are reminded that we have each other to be grateful for. Yes. But we are also reminded that God is there. Every Christmas carol is a reminder of this truth. Without God there really is no reason for Christmas. Without God there really is no reason for hope.
There is another reality that we don't like to acknowledge. We have all experienced loss and we often feel that loss more keenly during the Christmas season, even if that loss occurred long ago. It might be tempting to diminish our own sense of loss by comparing it to those whose loss is recent. I think we still need to give ourselves permission to mourn and permission to experience the joy of the holiday. Our loss is still real. Our life still does go on. Our reason for hope remains the same.
It's less than a week till Christmas now. I am feeling these losses deeper than I would have expected. So, I will mourn when I need to, but I will also rejoice when I need to. My prayer for you in this season is that you will fully experience the hope of Christmas regardless of the realities you may be facing. May you have a blessed Christmas, dear one. You have reason to mourn, reason to rejoice and, most of all, reason to hope.