The Things We Cannot Change

"There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go."

When I checked the announcements online for my daughter's high school this week I found the above posted as the quote of the week. There was no source given for the quote, but it struck me as well-chosen for the events this school community has recently experienced. 

It seems the news headlines are full of tragedies no matter where one lives. The international news is overwhelmingly tragic if one takes the time to truly meditate on it, but sometimes tragedy happens close to home, and sometimes closer than when first realized. I don't want to go into details. The details are too painful. I will say only this: It is always tragic when a young person's life is cut short, but when it is cut short brutally and intentionally, the tragedy is beyond what the mind and heart are able to comprehend.

The young person lost was a recent graduate of my kids' high school. That's close. Though I didn't know her well, she went through the school where I work and I know that I had spoken with her several times. That's closer. When we got together with a small group of friends later that week I heard that the young lady was found in the neighborhood where one of my friends lives and had been a friend of her daughter's. That is as close as I can handle right now.  I can't imagine how the young lady's friends and family are coping with this unimaginable loss. To them, this isn't a news headline, it's life, and life at it's unutterable worst.

How does one cope with tragedy in whatever form it comes to us? How do those on the other side of the world in Japan cope with the loss of life as they had known it? How does this family cope with the loss of their daughter and the publicity associated with their very personal agony? How do employers cope with the fact that they can't afford to keep all their employees and have to tell good people that their position has been eliminated? How do those whose jobs have been lost, some of my co-workers for example, face an uncertain future?

These are the things we don't want to happen as the quote referred to. Somehow we have to learn how to accept them. These situations cause us to learn things that we didn't want to know. Somehow the learning has to make us stronger.  And then there are the people we can't live without...That's the most difficult aspect of the truth that quote presents. How do we ever find the strength to let them go?

That quote puts me in mind of a very famous prayer:  

God grant me the serenity 

      to accept the things I cannot change;
  courage to change the things I can; 

  and wisdom to know the difference. 

As you deal with whatever tragedy affects your life may God grant you such serenity. Be blessed, dear one.
  

Small, But Valuable

Those words, "small, but valuable" jumped out at me from the movie screen several years ago. In the film, "You've Got Mail" Meg Ryan's character, Kathleen Kelly, is writing to her unknown "cyber-friend" played by Tom Hanks. She says, "I lead a small life. Small, but valuable...." The rest of her words haven't stuck with me, but those have.
I have never heard anyone describe their life in those terms, "small, but valuable". What a great way to describe my life and yours. Most of us aren't on public platforms. We don't reach a wide audience or influence large numbers of people. We just go about our lives. We touch the people we come in contact with and influence them unknowingly. In a culture where bigger is often deemed better it is easy to think that a small life doesn't carry much weight, that it doesn't have value.
Years ago pretty much everyone had a small life. Very few people imagined that life could be "bigger". There were few platforms to push a person's influence beyond the walls of their small community.  Now mass communication allows for a lot more comparison with those who have a wider circle of influence. Does a wider circle of influence make a person more valuable?
I guess those words jumped out at me because my life was small (I guess it still is) and, I thought, not worth as much as someone else whose life was "bigger". Who am I comparing myself to anyway? What makes their life more important? Isn't what I am able to give to those around me just as valuable?
What you and I have to give to those whose lives we touch everyday is worth much more to them than anything they hear or see in any form of mass communication. What makes a small life valuable is the personal touch, the things that only a real, live, right-there person can give. You and I are real, live and right-there to the person whose face we see next. Give every bit that your small life has to offer. It will be of greater worth than you will ever know.

Deep Impact

I have been thinking lately about how our culture has come to believe that the more people know about you or your activity the better it is. Mega churches and huge stadiums are a creation of our time. Before the invention of technologies like radio and television or the internet, even those whose names were well know could live in relative anonymity. These days we often measure our success in how many come to our events or access our materials rather than how deeply our message impacts a few.

I propose a change in our philosophy concerning impact. I have been thinking of it as the “Jerry Maguire” model of ministry. In the movie “Jerry Maguire” the lead character played by Tom Cruise is a successful sports agent. The definition of success in that context is representing star players with big contracts and high commissions for the agent. More clients, more money. Jerry has an epiphany of sorts and proposes a change in the agency’s approach: Fewer clients, deeper relationship and personal investment in each one. This proposed philosophy change gets Jerry fired and leaves him with one client, Rod, so he is forced into actually implementing this change. Over time Jerry and Rod develop a relationship that deeply impacts them both. Jerry has the pleasure of seeing Rod succeed in a way that he never would have without the personal attention and investment of Jerry Maguire and Jerry learns through Rod’s example how to have real relationships.

Is more really better? Each one of us desires to make an impact on the world, but is that impact to be measured by the number of people we impact or the depth of the impact we have on a few lives? A deeper impact potentially affects just as many people in the long run. Those few that I impact have their own circle of influence. As they invest in a few in their circle, my impact widens. When those they influence invest in their circle, my impact widens again and remains a deeper impact because of each tier of influence receiving a focused investment.

I have often felt insignificant. Maybe you have as well. I have measured myself against the idea of a wider influence. I have often felt trapped into spending my life on a few. Opportunities to reach wider haven’t been available or even satisfying when they exist. I have come to see that those I am able to influence are actually those I need to focus on. As I have learned to invest more deeply in those who are currently in my circle of influence, I have found the results to be deeply satisfying.  

Often we are reaching for the wider influence and miss the opportunity to make a deeper, more lasting and far-reaching impact.  Deeper impact costs more on my part because deeper invests more of me. There may be more chance for hurt or conflict or frustration when I don’t see the kind of results I am looking for. Yet, deeper investment in another can affect me more significantly as well. I am transformed as I invest in the lives of a few and watch them grow and succeed.  I suppose there is value in both wide and deep impact, but I would rather spend my life deeply investing in a few and sharing in their growth and success in life than reaching wide and having a shallow impact on many people.

Time and Priorities

I have been thinking lately about how quickly time flies and how often I don’t seem able to do the things I really want to do. The question is then: What are my priorities? What I choose to do or not do is the truest indication of my priorities. How I spend my time is the best gauge of what is important to me. So, what is important to me?

I guess based on my choices, what I really want to do isn’t as important to me as what I feel I should do. I should do the laundry, make the dinner, pay the bills. I want to write more frequently, read good books, spend more one-on-one time with friends and family.  So, it seems most often the “shoulds” win the battle for my time and energy. But are they really the most important activities? If I let those activities slide and do what I want to do will I feel more like I am accomplishing something valuable and important? Or will I feel guilty as I watch the mundane responsibilities, the necessary stuff, snowball into a mound of unfinished work?

I suppose the trick is to do a better job of finding the balance between the “want-tos” and the “have-tos”. They will both always be calling for my attention. If I don’t do the necessary tasks of life I end up with a big mess in my house and personal affairs. Neglect in that area is noticeable to anyone. If I don’t do the other things there is still a mess of sorts, but it’s on the inside of me and no one else knows about it.

There will always be business to keep in order, necessary tasks calling for my attention. Yet, there is another call as well. Perhaps it’s even a higher call: the call to feed the soul, to explore and fulfill the purpose for which I was created. I am not just referring to a need for rest, although rest is important. Feeding the soul is about nurturing those inner spaces. Spaces that require beauty and inspiration. Spaces that say, “This is what I was made for.” Spaces that aren’t satisfied by the completion of tasks, so much as the exploration of creativity and ideas.  Spaces that are only satisfied in the intangible and spiritual realms. 

We were each created with a need to feed the soul. How we satisfy the soul is as unique as our fingerprint. As time ticks by I want to choose to keep the inner spaces just as much a priority as the outer spaces of my life. How I spend my time will tell the story of my choices.

My Rudder, My Heart

Something I recently read talked about the heart as a rudder that sets the direction our life heads in. Even the slightest movements of a rudder can significantly alter the course of a ship. Just a small piece of metal has the ability to direct a multi-ton vessel. In the same way, the heart, the inside of each one of us, has the ability to affect the direction of our lives, where we go and how we affect those around us.

I want to have the kind of heart that is directed towards honoring God by helping others. That is what I think of as a "right" heart. That kind of heart examines it's own motives and alters course when selfishness or hurt begins to affect direction. Sometimes self-examination can be painful, but it leads to necessary course correction so that I can point my "ship" in the right direction, toward giving my life for the benefit of others.

As I have been ruminating over this I have been thinking about how not only our own heart can determine our direction, but also someone else's heart. I am thinking of a time when I experienced a devastating loss. Not the loss of a loved one, but the loss of dreams, direction and vision. Someone else's actions affected me greatly and sent my life in another direction. Was is completely the other's fault? Absolutely not! My actions added to the crisis point, the point when the rudder changed direction. However, it was the decision of the other that began a complete change of course. I realize, however, that the fate of my "ship" was still in my control. Even though circumstances changed beyond my control, my rudder, my heart, was still my own responsibility. How I chose to direct my own heart would determine what course I would take now, because really, the circumstances of my life and the course of my life are two very different things.

Someone else may have the wrong heart, a heart that is looking out for their own best interest rather than mine, and out of that wrong heart make a decision that affects me in an unexpected and undesired way. However, it is my own choice about how my heart will respond. As I contemplate that long ago course change, I realize that it was a course correction. The circumstances caused me to do some serious and painful self-examination that allowed me to steer toward new dreams and visions. It was difficult for quite a while not to harbor resentment toward the other, but I knew that would cause my rudder to steer me in a direction I didn't want to follow. I realized that I could still choose a right heart and that is what has made the most difference.
"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23 NLT

Tribute to a Life

Tom Hess was an eighth grade English teacher at the middle school where I work. He passed away from ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, on December 14, 2010. The first time I met Tom was in 2002 at a "Meet the Teacher" night when my son was in the eighth grade. He told the parents that he had been inspired to become a teacher because he had a middle school teacher that had greatly impacted his life. In my mind had had said it was his eighth grade English teacher, but now I am not so sure. It impressed me as a parent that he had become a teacher not only because he loved his subject, but because he wanted to impact kids as he had been impacted. However, it wasn't until I became a coworker with Tom that I really began to understand the depth of his commitment to his students.

In my first year working in the library I learned about a new season: "Research Season."  At that time of the school year many teachers bring their students to the library to work on projects. The most notable project is the eighth grade research project. Over six "research seasons" I spent many hours with Tom Hess and his students, during regular school hours as well as after school. By the end of my first research season I became convinced that no student of Tom's ever had a good reason to do poorly on their research project.

Tom expected, no, demanded, that each student do his or her personal best. (One year a coworker and I found a whip-cracking sound effect that we played for Tom during his library time. He got a chuckle out of that.) But he also gave them every opportunity to do their best. In addition to personal attention during class time, Tom liberally distributed priority library passes to any student who wanted one and spent almost every day after school with any student willing to work. I never saw Tom impatient with any student genuinely working their hardest. However, any student whose effort was less than their best was a prime candidate to receive what we came to call "the wrath of Hess". Most students understood that Tom's "wrath" was an expression of his concern and care for them and his desire to see them do their best. As a result they endured it and loved him all the more for it.

Tom was a fixture on the annual eighth grade trip to Washington, DC. The trip was something he felt was so important for students that he had been known to pay for some kids who couldn't afford to go. After Tom died, my husband and I were talking and he had what I thought was a great idea: Start a scholarship in Tom's memory to help students who can't afford to go on the trip. I recently went to another staff member to present this idea and was overwhelmed to find out that Tom himself had created such a fund before he passed away. I am still shaking my head at that. I guess I really shouldn't be surprised.  He was that dedicated to students.

We have quality teachers who care about their students at our school. Tom Hess set the bar high for his students, for himself and for the rest of us who work at the school. Research seasons will come and go, but as the eighth grade projects begin, in the back of my memory I will be hearing a whip cracking and I will be smiling a sad smile as I remember Tom.

So why do I share all this with you? Because EVERY LIFE MATTERS. I did not realize how deeply Tom Hess's life had impacted mine until I began to contemplate and then face his loss.  Your life matters, dear one, and you will never be able to comprehend the depth of your influence on others. We all want to be valued and appreciated, but the truth is that sometimes our value is not appreciated until our influence is no longer felt. So, please, dear one, continue to strive toward being the best you and loving as many people as you can. When all is said and done, those who have known you will be grateful that you became a part of their lives as they realize just how much their own life has benefited because of yours. YOUR LIFE REALLY DOES MATTER. Live it well.

Tomorrow is Always Fresh

What is it about endings and beginnings that cause us to review, remember and re-prioritize? Whether it's a new year, a new job, a new home, or any other "new" in our lives, there is something about it that causes us to take stock of where we have been and where we'd like to go.  There is something built in to each one of us that causes us to look back when it's time to look ahead.

In "Anne of Green Gables" Lucy Maud Montgomery gives us the wonderful quote : "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." Perhaps we like "new" so much for that reason. No matter how hard we try to be "good" we can never get away from the fact that every day, every year, is full of mistakes. We have an innate sense of when we've done wrong. It's called a conscience. We all have regrets. Things we wish we hadn't done or said, as well as things we wish we had done or said. There is something in us that knows we can do better and that wants to do better. Perhaps the reason that celebrating the New Year has become such a large celebration over the centuries is that the changing of the calendar reminds us that "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it."

So, as I do every year, I am taking the last few days of December into the first few weeks of January to review, remember and re-prioritize. I look back on the year gone by and think about the major events that occurred, what's been lost, what's been gained. Each event is now part of my history and who I am. Each event has served to shape me in some way. Then I look ahead at the events that are already planned for the coming year. I think about who I am becoming and how I want to reach forward toward the best that I can be. There will be mistakes, but then there will be another "new" in my life to remind me that my tomorrow, and yours,  is fresh with no mistakes and we get a chance to try again.